Onward to the Gulag




I picked this up a little while back at Trades Hall Council's annual Little Red Book Sale. Given the parlous state of unionism in Australia and its attendant image problem, you could be forgiven for thinking that naming your fundraising activities after a compendium of meaningless slogans that people had to carry at all times if they wanted to avoid being shot might be a tad counterintuitive... but oh well. Australia's Way Forward is the 1964 platform of the Communist Party of Australia (price: three shillings!) as ratified by the 20th National Congress of the CPA in Sydney. From the introduction, Australia Today:

"Australia's monopoly capitalist owners make their profit not only from investment at home. They increasingly draw profit also from the resources and labor of the peoples of New Guinea, Papua, other Pacific islands and countries of South-East Asia.

In this way, Australia has become an imperialist power, side by side with the United States, British, Japanese and other powers exploiting this region.

The class of owners of the Australian economy is dominated by about 60 very rich Australian families and various overseas interests with whom they are frequently allied.

These families are divided into several groups, the most powerful being that centred on the Broken Hill Pty. Ltd. steel giant, with headquarters in Melbourne.

The monopoly families, headed by the Darlings, Baillieus, Knoxes, Fairfaxes and their close associates, tied by mutual investments, intermarriage and their exclusive social circles, are the real ruling class of Australia."


Some of this warrants further comment. Papua New Guinea was a colony of Australia inherited from Germany at the end of World War I, granted independence under the Whitlam Government in 1975. Much to the chagrin of many of PNG's indigenous communities, the country's economy is still overwhelmingly dependent on foreign investment in mining, which has diversified from an Australian monopoly in the decades following independence. BHP's copper mine on the Ok Tedi river caused major environmental damage, and the 50,000 odd villagers living downstream from the river have had to contend with a water supply contaminated with copper and mining byproducts, which as you'd expect, killed most of the fish and impacted the wider ecosystem. While the community which lived in the vicinity of the Ok Tedi mine was consulted about its development, none of the people living downstream from the mine were included in the discussions.

After merging with rival mining giant Billiton in 2001, Broken Hill Pty. realised that Ok Tedi was more trouble than it was worth, and sold off a controlling stake in the mine to a development fund for the PNG economy. In 2007, a class action was launched against BHP Billiton on behalf of villagers living by the Ok Tedi river. The lawsuit is seeking US$4bn in damages; a 1990s lawsuit on behalf of a different tribe was settled by BHP for US$28m.

BHP Billiton has since divested itself of its steel and shipping operations to focus on mining, and why not? An old maxim of Australia's political classes, "What's Good for BHP is what's good for Australia", is reflected in the title of Alan Trengrove's 1975 history of the company. Obviously, not something you say aloud in Wollongong, Newcastle or any other place where the price of this corporate restructuring was thousands of job losses, chronic unemployment, and the economic devastation of the local community - and where the result of such an egregious faux pas is more often a karate kick to the teeth than a raised eyebrow and a chorus of Well I Nevers.

The Fairfaxes refers to the dynastic Fairfax media empire, nowadays publishers of the Sydney Morning Herald and The Age, amongst others. It's easy to forget how stultifyingly conservative these broadsheets were back in the 1960s, as opposed to the heady mix of social liberalism and inner-urban circle-jerkism that we know them for today. (Case in point on the latter: The Sunday Age has a new reader-submitted section on the back page: "You Know You're in Melbourne When..."; a typical submission: "Your son's under 12 soccer team is sponsored by a coffee chain". Yes, we're cultural. Christ, we get it already.) After Warwick Fairfax tried to buy out the rest of his family back in 1987, the company collapsed, and the only tie to the company's familial origins is its name.

Baillieus refers to the Melbourne family of Liberal Party politicans and businessmen. The Baillieu dynasty was founded by William, a former Victorian Government minister and board member of Carlton Breweries, the Herald and Weekly Times (now part of the Murdoch stable), and Dunlop. The Baillieu Library at the University of Melbourne is named for him and his philanthropy. Ted Baillieu is Victoria's incumbent opposition leader, and his life reads like the CV of your typical member of the landed gentry: brought up in the Vile Bodies wonderland of Toorak, educated at Melbourne Grammar and Melbourne University, an architect by profession before being parachuted into the safe seat of Hawthorn. Still, it's hard to give credence to the idea of an oppressive, scheming family in thrall to the boss class when Ted's sister is an anti-development campaigner on the Mornington Peninsula.

The second half of Australia's Way Forward deals with the CPA's agrarian program. Apart from this being the most urbanised country in the world, the utter futility of a bunch of commos pandering to Australia's deeply conservative rural bloc would surely not have been lost on the party's headkickers. The breakdown in diplomacy between the Soviet Union and Communist China led to wider ructions in communist parties across the world, with Australia being no exception. A few months after the publication of Australia's Way Forward, a breakaway group from the CPA formed a rival pro-Maoist party, ironically named the Communist Party of Australia (Marxist-Leninist), which had it's strongest base in the militant Builders Labourers Federation and the student population of my esteemed institution, Monash University - for most of the sixties and seventies considered the most radical university in the country (my, how times have changed...). Including a 40 page treatise about what the Glorious Revolution means for the farmers is an obvious last-ditch sop to those members on the verge of defecting to the CPA-ML.

Apart from little peculiarities - for instance, dropping the u in 'labour' in the tradition of semantic progressivism - the most striking thing about the booklet is how little has changed in the discourse of radical activists in the forty-five years hence. Swap a few of the names, update with reference to a few more (Filthy Imperialist) wars, and any extract of the book is the sort of thing you'd expect to hear coming out of the megaphone of, say, the campus-based Socialist Alternative or the youth wing of the DSP, Resistance.

It's a long-held truism of contemporary radical authors and academics that progressive voices have lost the means to be effectively heard as an opposition to the prevailing global order. Clive Hamilton's Quarterly Essay What's Left? is the seminal Antipodean version of this complaint. Yet after years and years of agonising, here we sit, still, where the first principles of any socialistically-inclined activist either involve pretending that the Wall never came down (and in case you were in any doubt, here), or bemoaning the fact that the word "bourgeois" can nowadays only be deployed with an appropriate ironic smirk, without understanding this and working within it.

Honestly. If someone who's spent the formative years in this decade suddenly gains a perspective on the world that leaves them deeply upset with the state of things - and deeply unsatisfied with any of the available means of redress - there's not much to be found from the distant days of Charles Dickens factories and the British East India company. And even if they want some kind of historical perspective, if they want to divine the sum total of grand insights that Marx shat out over the typewriter and cigars unflinchingly provided to him by his factory-owning industrialist BFF over a fair chunk of the nineteenth century, well. It's thesis number eleven, bitches.

Tim Holding makes for a shit Kesslee.




Today, metropolitan Melbourne's water storage is at 28.3% of capacity, down five percent from this time last year and with more than twelve years elapsed since capacity was above ninety percent. Thomson Dam - twice as large as all of Melbourne's other catchments combined - currently sits at just over seventeen percent of capacity; further depletion will result in a number of logistical issues regarding the water's quality and the extra energy required to feed it into Melbourne's network. Here's a map of rainfall in Victoria over the last month measured against historical trends:





OMG, indeed. Now, you might be wondering why more people aren't expressing a level of concern on par with this chap:




Gratuitous use of caps lock, errors of fact (water wholesale, retail and infrastructure businesses in Melbourne are all administered by Government boards), weird semi-naked woman animated GIF and possible embellishments aside, fair enough right? Quickly vanishing water supply plus biggest population surge in forty years is cause for alarm, surely?

The casual observer could be forgiven for thinking that the Victorian Government is taking a remarkably chillax, bro attitude to the issue. Stage 3 water restrictions were brought into force on the 1st of January, 2007; a hurried mish-mash of restrictions in Stages 3 and 4 Stage 3a was introduced three months later as a means of reducing the chance that Stage 4 water restrictions would have to be implemented. (The impetus for this policy was of course Melbourne Water's nationally-acclaimed "Sit Around and do Fuck All" modelling, which forecast that on a long enough timescale, the probability of enough rainfall to end a decade-long drought would equal 1, so we're sweet mate.) Stage 4 was meant to be introduced once dam levels hit 29 percent. Water Minister Tim Holding ruled out applying Stage 4 restrictions when this happened at the end of March; interestingly, this time round Mr. Holding didn't use the potential harm to the state's economy (that old chestnut!) as an excuse for vetoing an implementation of Stage 4.

From Oct 26th, 2008:

"With such restrictions likely to have a huge impact on jobs, gardens and sports grounds, a government source last night said stage 4 bans would almost certainly not be implemented
'In these economic times, it's highly unlikely we're going to initiate a restriction that would have such an impact on jobs,' the source said."


Yes, bugger the drinking water, what about my jobs?! And my azaleas! From Mar 30th, 2009:


"Water Minister Tim Holding said the combination of Stage 3a restrictions and the new Target 155 campaign meant Melburnians were already facing tough water rules.

Melbourne Water policy states that 29.3 per cent is the trigger point for Stage 4 water restrictions in any month of the year. But Mr Holding said the State Government no longer used the trigger point formula to set water restrictions.

'We are not using trigger points because we need to take into account not only the level of water in the storages but the amount of demand there is on those storages,' he told 3AW."

Ah yes, the Target 155 campaign. Party political advertising masquerading as a public awareness campaign is so hot right now, it's easy to forget old mate Steve Bracks did for state-sanctioned agitprop what Hugo Boss did for the SS. The Target 155 campaign epitomises the Government's vacilating attitude to water resources even more completely than "3a" - try and use less than 155 litres of water a day, but no dramas if you can't. Credit where it's due though: the ads serve more of a public good than the irritatingly mindless "It's Part of the Plan" public transport ads. (Yes, and may we ask, now that it's been a good four years that you've been lauding your various plans over us, is it part of the plan to build a new fucking rail line, anywhere, anytime soon? Oh, right, the Federal Government's stimulus package is only going to infrastructure that expedites the whole process of shipping out brown coal and shipping in whitegoods. I'll walk then, shall I?)

The real trouble with Target 155, however, is the tone. Here's a sample of the latest round of ads (photography by the rather amazing Hugh Peachey.


(Subtext: "What's wrong? Aren't you man enough to take four minute showers?")



(Subtext: "...prick.")



(Subtext: "I am a dedicated family man.
You are a drain on society and history's greatest monster.")


Have the Brumby Government's ad men really decided that this the best method of coercion? Surely they haven't forgotten the truisms of passive-aggressive behaviour:


1) We will start doing what you tell us, just to shut you up;
2) We will bitterly resent you for being such a douche about things;
3) We will eventually stop doing what you tell us for no other reason than to undermine you, for we are even more maladjusted than you are, and fantasising about punching you in the face has become the focal point of our existence.

Like up the top of the page, for instance. We got some Target 155 propaganda in our water bill, informing us that we were using 815 litres of water and offering a comparative chart. You've got to love the inference. "You're not doing your part unless you have at least six people in your house. And I bet you don't, you fucking degenerate!" Well, as it happens, thankyou very much, I'm one of seven in my household. Honestly people, all I want is a bit of positive reinforcement. Maybe the next quarter, you could send us something like this instead:





Then maybe I could feel like my poor standards of hygiene are a means to a better end (a better end than crotch rash, at least). Honestly, if they want us to feel like we can make a difference, this is the way to do it. There's nothing like a little self-esteem boost to stop you dwelling on the fact that household usage accounts for only eight percent of total water consumption.

Update 31/8: Oooh, bad timing.

Pardon me? What did I do all day? I am so glad you asked.







Update:



M.U.A.! Here to Stay!



This was sent to me by my dear friend Julia, who works for Unions ACT up in my glorious hometown of Canberra. Sadly, not an authentic relic of the 1998 Waterfront dispute - this shirt was made for extras in the ABC's 2007 dramatisation, Bastard Boys:



Gawd, a bit cringeworthy in parts, innit? Here's a basic rundown of the waterfront dispute. The Howard Government drafted major changes to industrial relations in its first year of office. In short, the 1996 Workplace Relations Act was designed to reduce collective bargaining and thus diminish union power. Because the Democrats had the balance of power in the Senate, the legislation was substantially amended and watered down from the Coalition's original intent (it wasn't until the Government achieved an upper house majority after the 2004 elections that the rest of the Coalition's desired IR changes were shunted through, this time in the form of WorkChoices).

In 1997, the Productivity Commission released a report into Australian shipping practices which showed that our ports were among the least productive and least cost-effective in the world. The majority of Australia's imports and exports passed through the ports, and thus the waterfront was having an adverse effect on the rest of the economy. The Howard Government was eager to test the provisions of the Workplace Relations Act, and the stevedoring company Patrick Corporation was eager to improve productivity at its ports. The Government colluded with Patrick to fire the unionised workplace and replace them with labourers on individual workplace agreements.

Cue strikes, violent confrontations on Melbourne's docks, and a High Court decision finding in favour of the Maritime Union of Australia. The dispute made the career of Greg Combet, who eventually succeeded Bill Kelty as secretary of the Australian Council of Trade Unions and is now in the outer ministry of the Rudd Government. It also made Patrick CEO Chris Corrigan one of the most reviled men in Australia. In the longer term, the de facto MUA closed shop workplace on Australia's ports ended, productivity tripled, and the dock workforce was eventually halved through redundancies and the increase of casual employment. Patrick Corporation was subject to a hostile takeover by transport giant Toll Holdings in 2006 after bitter wrangling, legal proceedings and the intervention of the Australian Consumer and Competition Commission.

Bastard Boys was released in 2007, to the vocal condemnation of the Coalition Government; John Howard called it "One of the most lopsided pieces of political propaganda I've seen on the national broadcaster in years". More illuminating is the ABC's retrospective, The Howard Years, which chronicles the waterfront dispute in its first episode. Peter Reith, who served as Industrial Relations Minister for most of the first term, offers a defence of Patrick's actions in terms of the national economic interest, while repeatedly washing his hands of the affair or claiming that he can't remember - only to be repeatedly contradicted by both Howard and Corrigan in the following scenes.

I remain to be convinced that the Howard Government and Patrick needed to go to the lengths they did in order to reform the Australian waterfront; at the same time, I tend to agree that waterfront reform was needed. My dad spent most of the nineties working on iron ore tankers for BHP, and I'm inclined to believe his stories about the horrible racket and standover tactics for which pre-1998 Australian stevedoring was renowned. When the dispute was in full swing, the MUA approached his professional association, the Australian Institute of Marine and Power Engineers, to seek a sympathy strike. They were rather promptly and in no uncertain terms told to piss off. As I am unlikely to meet any dockworkers in the course of my casual strolls down Rathdowne Street, I guess his perspective on the ports will have to stand.

Above everything, I love that phrase "PEACEFUL ASSEMBLY" emblazoned on the front. Quite apart from the history of the Painters and Dockers (many members of which were later incorporated into the MUA during the Hawke Government's forced union amalgamations), I have vivid memories of the dispute on the nightly news from when I was eleven years old. Protestors linking arms and legs, the police forcibly removing people from the picket line, children as young as five or six crying hysterically while their sacked dockworker father gets bundled into the back of a paddywagon - not exactly a fucking candlelight vigil, is it?

Still, I can't wait to bust this thing out over summer. Thanks Julia!

This is Australia.



This was sent through to me by a friend who works in the electorate office of a southeast suburban state Labor MP. Apparently they’ve been plastered everywhere over Frankston over the last month and Mr. Harkness’s office has been inundated with calls.


Now, BoHo white boy that I am, I’ve only ever visited Dandenong and Frankston to raid their second hand stores of books, clothes and four dollar board games. I’ve been to both places four times. In Dandenong I see mainly a bunch of people minding their own business; in Frankston, I’ve seen groups of middle-aged white women passed out at the bus stop, with tourniquets still wrapped around their forearms, while scores of people walk past and redouble their own efforts at minding their own business. I’ve never seen a police officer in Dandenong; in Frankston, I’ve never been to through the station without seeing three cops milling about the entrance. Crime statistics on public transport show that the Frankston line is more dangerous than the Pakenham (and Cranbourne, which also runs through Dandenong, does not rate in the top four).


But let’s not rely on my folksy wisdom. Let’s see what our friends at the 2008-2009 Victorian Police crime statistics have to say! All statistics are for the Local Government Areas of the City of Greater Dandenong (including the suburbs of Dandenong, Noble Park and Springvale) and the City of Frankston (including Carrum Downs, Seaford and Frankston proper).


Rapes (per 100,000 population)

Frankston – 66.0

Dandenong – 34.8


Other sexual assaults (per 100,000)

Frankston – 147.1

Dandenong – 116.1


Assaults (per 100,000

Frankston – 957.6
Dandenong – 1050.7


Incidents of domestic violence [total charges / application for an intervention order] (total)

Frankston – 1439 [522 / 302]

Dandenong – 1323 [376 / 223]

Total property crime (per 100,000)
Frankston – 7333.3
Dandenong – 6444.7


Here’s some more numerical abstractions from the Australian Bureau of Statistics! Compare them, if you please!


City of Greater Dandenong

Unemployment (2006) – 6.9%
Average taxable income (2005) – $36 274
Percentage of population with post-high school qualifications (2006) – 42.8%
Unskilled labourers as a percentage of the workforce (2005) – 57.6%
Percentage of population born in Africa or the Middle East (2006) – 6.4%
Percentage of population speaking a language other than English at home (2006) – 59.0%

City of Frankston
Unemployment (2006) – 5.9%
Average taxable income (2005) – $39 203
Percentage of population with post-high school qualifications (2006) – 49.9%
Unskilled labourers as a percentage of the workforce (2005) – 46.7%
Percentage of population born in Africa or the Middle East (2006) – 1.4%
Percentage of population speaking a language other than English at home (2006) – 8.7%


So, not only is there less crime in Dandenong than Frankston – despite lower income and less job opportunity – the higher crime rates in Frankston are probably all whitey’s fault too! For the record, I’d like it very much if Frankston became more like Dandenong; the food would be better, there would be better stuff in the op shops, and I’d feel much more confident strolling the street after hours... but that’s by the by.



This T-shirt I spotted in one of the souvenir stores at the bottom of Swanston Street, the busiest pedestrian thoroughfare in Melbourne. The National Union of Students mailing list reports that a Patriotic Youth League-style organisation is posting flyers around the University of Sydney, blaming the city’s extortionate inner-urban rents on the influx of international students.


Let’s cast our minds back to the 2005 Cronulla riots. The most shameful thing – over and above the “We grew here, you flew here” and “Fuck off Lebs” jingoes, the beatings, the reprisal attacks – was the refusal of then-Prime Minister John Howard to acknowledge and condemn the racist sentiment behind the violence. (The corollary, of course, is Victorian Premier John Brumby’s tacit refusal to acknowledge the racial element of the long-running but only recently discussed violence against international students in Australian cities, and his refusal to let representatives of the Federation of Indian Students in Australia speak at a rally orchestrated by the government to reaffirm how friendly and not racist and multicultural we Victorians really were.) Indeed, no doubt mindful of the widespread undercurrents of hostility to Middle-Eastern immigration in suburban Sydney, Howard occasionally appeared to act as a dithering apologist for the perpetrators. During the 2007 election campaign, when the Coalition was clutching at every straw and blowing feverishly into every dog whistle, Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews suddenly announced drastic cuts to the intake of East African migrants. His rationale was the apparent rise in violence and unlawful behaviour by groups of Sudanese gangs. The news networks eagerly ran with the story and the Police Commissioner’s insistence that there was no evidence to back up the Minister’s claims. (The story was also refuted by Media Watch the next week, to little fanfare.) Given the Coalition’s use of racial politics during the 2001 election campaign, it seems the public were at least a little less credulous this time around.


Now we have a Prime Minister who’s even more of a media tart than his predecessor, who’s much more adept at providing those three-second moral intonations necessary to round out the evening news (he still gets points for being a little more delicate than labelling everything he dislikes as “un-Australian”). During a parliamentary sitting, his face must appear on a newscast four or five times in half an hour. At the recent Pacific Islands Forum in Cairns, when the bulk of discussion was the destruction of the South Pacific’s economic livelihood due to rising ocean levels and the consolidation of military rule in Fiji (again), the PM used the final day’s press conference to announce the people of Australia’s collective sadness at the death of a koala. After travelling to the fire-ravaged communities of Victoria and doing his best Christ the Healer impersonation, Rudd addressed the newly homeless and the relatives of at a special “Day of Mourning” in Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena. Frankly, both were egregiously religious in their sensibilities, but he looked much more in his element in the latter. National catharsis, the Anglican way! Our tragedy brings us closer together! Father Rudd is our shepherd! This way he doesn’t have to look awkward by speaking to a stranger who’s just lost two kids and had the family home disappear in a wall of fire!


(Interestingly, scores of buses travelled out to the bushfire towns of Whittlesea, Flowerdale et. al. to bring people along to the Rod Laver ceremony. At every town, all but one or two buses went back to the depot without being used. Morning talkback radio, mainly conducted live from the Rod Laver, reminded listeners every five or six minutes that there were plenty of seats still available at the Day of Mourning.)



Do you remember all those reports about the community outrage over planning approval for the Camden Mosque – with all the council meetings descending into shouting matches for weeks in a row, with all the TV cameras validating the demented ranting of whatever nutbag makes a hackneyed effort of disguising their bigotry by justifying their opposition on aesthetic grounds? (Yes, someone actually did this. For as we all know, the architecture of Sydney’s southwestern suburbs is rivalled in its beauty only by rainbows, the Mona Lisa and the Mandlebrot set.) Kevin Rudd didn’t say a thing, and so told us more about who he really is than we’d ever glean from something that came out of his mouth. And what have we got? An ideological bankrupt, only willing to channel the progressive spirit of his party if it’s uncontentious, solidly supported by the electorate, and not same-sex marriage. And what has he got? Record approval ratings. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.

The Lonesome Waltz of Derryn Hinch.


Derryn Hinch with Playmate Allyson Best at the Hilton (1979)
Photo: Rennie Ellis

Derryn Hinch is the drivetime broadcaster for 3AW, Melbourne's highest rating radio station. The station's demographic is primarily the middle-to-old-aged battler class - that stratum of society that call up to lament how the Government is oppressing them, how much better this country was thirty years ago, the loutish behaviour of kids these days and how much better behaved they were when they were drunk, and occasionally telling all the darkies to go back to their country (and being indulged to various degrees by various hosts). 3AW mirrors the audience of the other talkback/infotainment metropolitan stations under the Fairfax Radio umbrella - 6PR in Perth, 2UE in Sydney, 4BC in Brisbane. All these stations follow the same basic format: news on the hour, roughly corresponding schedules for morning/afternoon/drivetime/evening comperes, a crude conflation of advertising and opinion, a roughly congruent pandering to the same social and political prejudices, etc.

Thankfully, Australia is largely free of the sort of demagogic, opinionated television that Fox has popularised in the US over the last decade (the trade-off, of course, is the insipid blokey conservatism of David Koch on Sunrise and his Channel Nine carbon copy) - though not for want of trying. In many respects, Hinch was the pioneer of bringing this formula to Australia, both to radio and television. HSV7 in Melbourne ran an evening current affairs show with Hinch at the helm from 1988 to 1991, which was eventually replaced by the precursor program to Today Tonight. It appears there was a conscientious focus, in the successor current affairs programs, on diminishing the personality-based journalism of Hinch while still preserving the host's moral intonations - an obvious ratings winner, given the dominance of the shock jocks and A Current Affair/Today Tonight in their respective markets. After Hinch moved to late nights on Channel Ten, he was eventually replaced by Alan Jones Live (aka How to Live Your Life, Presented by Australia's Foremost Self-Loathing Cottager), who the network apparently presumed would do a Fitter, Happier, More Productive job than the bearded New Zealander (he, in turn, was axed after three months).

Here's Hinch's final appearance on Channel Seven (Part One, 1:38; Part Two, 5:27).

Such pathos! I challenge anyone my age or older to not feel a tingling for the bygone era when hosts could storm off stage during the credits to the dirge of the Australian national anthem. A few contextual points for the retrospective clip. His court appearance and imprisonment from 1:35 onwards is a result of naming a Catholic priest who was suspected of sexual abuse, in contempt of court. Hinch was sentenced to six weeks jail, starting off at Pentridge Prison before being moved off to Sale. According to his appearance on Enough Rope, Hinch went to speak to then Victorian Premier John Cain about the charges; Cain poked him in the chest repeatedly and sung "You're going to jail! You're going to jail!" Hinch has been in contempt of court on numerous times since, reading out the home address of notorious paedophile Mr. Baldy while live on radio and publishing the names of people charged with padeophilia both on his website and at a public Victims of Crime Rally; criminal charges against Hinch are still outstanding on the latter. In his autobiography, Hinch describes being sexually abused as a child, a point he references constantly when discussing paedophila cases; speaking at a recent doorstop after his most recent court appearance, he described himself as "legally wrong, but morally right".

The chap impersonating him from 3:37 is Steve Vizard, a comedian and disgraced businessman who made himself a household name in the 1980s for impersonating Derryn and others on Fast Forward, before a rather nasty run-in with the Australian Securities and Investments Commission after some sneaky insider trading while a director on the Telstra board.

There are some things to admire about Hinch, and it's a shame that a more nuanced view of his impact on Australian journalism hasn't emerged from the "human headline" moniker, his often-parodied editorial style, the fourteen or so times he's been fired from a broadcasting role, the heavy drinking, bankruptcy, and the interminable self-obsession. His editorial slant is a welcome change from 3AW stablemate Neil Mitchell, or the inflammatory, bigoted venom of Perth's Howard Sattler or Sydney's Alan Jones; he'll shout down any caller that ventures a racist remark (as opposed to Jones acting as an AM frequency clarion call for the Cronulla Riots, or Sattler's infamous "three less car thieves" remark, and he doesn't have the same rabid enthusiasm for the intemperate ideological pursuits of Mitchell (the latter's relentless pursuit of the union movement, however justified in some circumstances, throws Hinch's usual focus on pedestrian bread and butter issues into stark relief). He prides himself on his personal integrity (which admittedly, only really holds up if you draw a distinction between his public and his private life), and he was one of the few broadcasters who could legitimately criticise the other Prima Donnas of the industry during the Cash for Comment scandal. As far as I know, he's the only news host in Australia to have an Amiga demo made in his honour:



"That's Life, Bitches."


Of course, it would be negligent to omit the fact that he played a pivotal role in transforming talkback radio and commercial television current affairs to the unspeakable shite that it is today; the loathsome Ray Martin, Mike Munro and others imitated his self-aggrandising style and moralism until it was progressively diluted to the point where the television still sits in damning judgement of its audience, but the only hint of personality in a current affairs anchor is gleaned from a leaked outtakes reel from a Christmas party. Jones, Mitchell, et. al.'s brazen abuse of callers who disagree with their opinions was only made possible by Hinch paving the way. Saying Hinch is better than his contemporaries and his predecessors is akin to saying Dr. Frankenstein is better than his monster.

It would be unfair to put this solely at the feet of Derryn, given how Australia's finest arch-conservative was transforming the media industry of Uncle America, and the emergence of talkback giants like Rush Limbaugh before that (presumably Hinch's eleven years in the US as bureau chief was the source of some inspiration). But he was still the standard-bearer of a radical change in the fourth estate that progressively began to treat the news as an adjunct to the personality. I'm reminded of Lewis Lapham's obituary for US Meet the Press host Tim Russert:

"...Speaking truth to power doesn’t make successful Sunday-morning television, leads to “jealousy, upsets, persecution,” doesn’t draw a salary of $5 million a year. The notion that journalists were once in the habit of doing so we borrow from the medium of print, from writers in the tradition of Mark Twain, Upton Sinclair, H. L. Mencken, I. F. Stone, Hunter Thompson, and Walter Karp, who assumed that what was once known as “the press” received its accreditation as a fourth estate on the theory that it represented the interests of the citizenry as opposed to those of the government. Long ago in the days before journalists became celebrities, their enterprise was reviled and poorly paid, and it was understood by working newspapermen that the presence of more than two people at their funeral could be taken as a sign that they had disgraced the profession...

How ironic it is then that Hinch now stands out like a sore thumb in the depressing monoculture of commercial media! Free to air television in this country has ossified to the point where Channels Seven and Nine essentially run the same programs with different personalities, each and all devoid of anything that would hint some kind of belief or prejudice, emotion surgically removed and substituted with botox; each and all only thousand-yard-stares and someone else's opinions read aloud with dead eyes and drooping mouths, while Channel Ten picks up the scraps with cooking shows and softcore pornography. Shame! What's left but to yearn for someone who'll venture forth some kind of emotive gesture that hasn't been carefully contrived and filmed in five takes, even if they are half the reason that the public's foremost sources of information have become so unspeakably moronic? I can still faintly hear his voice over the airwaves, in amongst the static and the superannuation ads and Caller Roger from Wantirna South fondly remembering when the milkman left glass bottles on the doorstep and how everyone's front doors were left unlocked at night! Shame, come back!

Excuses

A computational representation of my work ethic:

010 ACCEPT TASK
020 ACCEPT five other TASKS without regard for workload
030 Spend week getting drunk
040 Suddenly realise impending deadline for all TASKS
050 Breathe heavily into paper bag
060 Spend week getting drunk
070 Finally complete one of said TASKS after staying awake all night
080 SUBMIT TASK with a litany of grovelling and creative excuses
090 Start screening phone calls to avoid people chasing me up for completion of remaining TASKS
100 Spend week getting drunk while talking about how I should be completing leftover TASKS
110 IF TASK>0, GOTO 050
120 IF TASK=0, COLLAPSE into sobbing heap and loudly proclaim that you will never subject yourself to such horrible, horrible stress
130 GOTO 010

I've been working six day weeks for most of the time since the beginning of November, and I've still managed to fit plenty in around that, but I still tend towards overburdening myself without factoring in my inherent laziness. I was recently asked to do an article for the Budget edition of Voiceworks, which is looking mighty pretty since Bel Monypenny took over as editor (unfortunately I've only met her twice, so I am not yet familiar enough to refer to her as "Mish Monypenny" in a thick Scottish accent - nor enough to punch her in the face when she precociously challenges the patriarchy). What followed was a rather hysterical tirade about advertising companies pandering to the gloomy feelings of the global economic downturn by justifying outlandish purchases as smart economic decisions (c.f. Holden's "Times are tough, but Australians and Holden are tougher" a.k.a. "Please buy our fucking V8s so we don't have to close down our Port Melbourne factory"), and the sense of unreality that comes from watching panicked stockbrokers in the evening news bulletins being punctuated by more pleas to waste money on pay television for the good of the economy.

The article would've had some more posterity if the baseline economic indicators toned down from "oh fuck, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE" to Australia averting a technical recession, terms of trade slightly improving, the housing market holding up, etc. I don't think I did a good job of selling the fact that my experience of the economic downturn was entirely mediated by the TV news, and my whole man with sandwich board and large bell approach to the subject matter at hand seems a bit foolish as a result, but I got enough props to be asked to write something for the subsequent Postscript edition.

I decided to have a look at the lifelong literary Bromance of Christopher Hitchens and Martin Amis, from their days working together at the New Statesman, to their mutual support of the Bush Administration's foreign policy in the aftermath of September 11th. I've been interested in both men since Martin Amis' biopic of Stalin, Koba the Dread; basically, the book's central conceit is trying to find out why the horrors of the purges, forced collectivisation and the Terror are the source of laughter and derision while the similar horrors of Nazi Germany are constantly met with mortified silence (hence the subtitle, "Laughter and the Twenty Million"; it was also part of the inspiration for LOLOCAUST). The last third of the book is a letter to Hitchens which essentially amounts attack on his youthful flirtation with Trotskyism (Amis: "Trotsky was a thief and a fucking liar"), which the accused recanted around the time of the fall of the Berlin Wall in place of a more generalised ethos of anti-totalitarianism and self-indulgent polemicism. Case in point, his obituary for Jerry Falwell on Fox News:



"Let's hear from the Abramoff Faction!"
(Yes, it is safe to assume he is drunk.)



So I flipped through about twenty books authored by both of them, charting their gradual metamorphosis from their young progressivism (Amis was more aptly described as something of a left-liberal, an nebulous political position he only seemed to adopt in order to spite his father) to Hitchens' spruiking for the Iraq War and Amis' constant intonations against Britain's Islamic Diaspora (which, on the part of both men, seems to owe a lot to the persecution of their contemporary, Salman Rushdie). I wasn't getting very far with writing the article, but I did have time to do this:




Eventually I got far too immersed in reading their self-aggrandising bullshit (both suffer from a constant need to demonstrate their mastery of the English language: for Amis it's because his father spurned his books, for Hitchens it's probably just to show up his brother). and what I'd started to cobble together was shite. So, many weeks after the deadline, I sent my apologies:

Hi Bel,
I'm writing to apologise for flaking out on the latest issue. I overburdened myself once again and reading lots of Christopher Hitchens/Martin Amis in a short period of time was traumatising and I became consumed with unmitigated hatred for both of them, as one does, which spilled over into my personal life and was the catalyst for all sorts of horrible things. There's nothing to make someone feel inferior than trawling through hours of YouTube videos watching two middle-aged, bloated rotters scorning everyone with a slightly inferior command of the English language while inventing shitty neologisms like 'horrorism'. It's difficult for me to articulate properly, but the attached Hitchens photograph should give some idea [below]. So, I did that thing that people sometimes do where they keep postponing it a day again and again, until all of a sudden four weeks have passed without me realising it and I'm being invited to the launch party on Facebook.



What Martin Amis meant by "horrorism".